This is a mistake. I am making exactly the same fucking mistakes I have made in the past: Too many things, all the fuck at once. I try and do everything, change everything, and all at once and I fuck it up every single fucking time. I do this every time. Every time I try and "change", or whatever, I gotta go balls deep straight out of the gate and I get my dick bitten off. Every single fucking time. First it was a blog, then a book, then a podcast, then a tv show, now a blog again. Only, ordinarily I am also trying to start working out, or running.... to be clear, and to say it again, I try and do it all at once. Quit smoking, start working out, start a blog, start running, start a podcast, oh, and all the while, trying and save the failing marriage, working to prevent estrangement between me and my daughter, trying to keep open communication between me and my siblings, watching my mom die, dealing with my dad, trying to keep my job at a place that CONSTANTLY threatens your job. And, also, all the other things. These are the things that I try and change or affect... (effect?) all at once... more or less.
But.
This time I have a secret weapon. This time, I do not give a shit. Thios (that is a typo, but I left it in because I like that word. Thios. Sounds like a Greek hero or something) time, this "change me" thing I am not so fucking invested in. This time, it is almost like a hobby. A hobby I take seriously, mind you, sort of, but a hobby. I think that is why, this time, I am not trying to change all of the everythings, all at once. I am kind of focusing on one thing at a time. First up: Smoking.
But.
Well, the program I am following, it's going to change, or at least take a shot at a lot of things. Right? Well, to that point, the 30 Days of Happiness thing... to be clear, before I go into that, I don't give a shit about being happy, not one shit. What I want is to not be a useless, lazy fucking slob for the rest of my life. But... I have been using "but" a lot... but, having said all of that, I realize that my attitude, my not giving a shit about being happy, is probably part of my problem. Or, at least maybe some kind of symptom, or something. I just want to be a fucking whole human fucking being again.
I need to learn to meditate. See, that right there. When I say that, I do that. There is, I think I am learning, something about my brain that, when I think a thing needs to be done, the brain say "okie doke" and starts running an "accomplish this" program. I have about a million of those running right now and I am completely out of processor power and hard drive space. And the ram is full. My task manager looks like this:
Processes:
Clean the shower.
Replace the floodlights.
Brush the dog.
Vacuum the carpets.
Order parts.
Dont strangle your work mates.
Get the diabetes looked at.
Mow the yard.
Take your vitamins.
Clean the house.
Get the car looked at.
Get the fender fixed.
Get the work van looked at.
Get the oil changed.
Wake up early.
Run.
Work out.
Dont smoke.
Meditate.
Clean the kitchen.
Fix the bike.
Replace the wheel.
Get the other bike back.
Keep the phone charged.
Be nice.
Weed the flower bed.
Plant the flowers.
Water the lawn.
Get rich.
Get happy.
Quit the job.
Find a new job.
Tell the old one to fuck off.
<22792 more. Click to expand.>
And on and on and on and on. I know that fucking everybody has this. Probably. But for me, all of this shit is running at once. All the time. And every time I come up with some hair brained thing I want to do, like learn about ancient Sumer, or build a motor cycle, or start a tv network, the brain says okay, lets go, and that shit gets shoe horned in with all of the other shit that I am trying to/need/want/ what the fuck ever to get accomplished. And it happens auto fucking matically. I have, apparently, got zero control over any of it.I walk by the toilet and see that it needs to be cleaned? Now it is logged in. And, oh, by the way, can I immediately recall any of this shit? Nope. Gets lost in the flood of ideas as soon as it goes in. The only way I know it is in there is that tug in my gut gets just a bit more insistent, and my panic level raises just a hair.
There is one thing that seems to help this, if I schedule this shit. I actually discovered this about myself about a year or two ago, the auto accomplish thing, and I had stopped scheduling things because I have no idea why. I am currently using Google calendar and there are a few ways you can set reminders and shit. I use a combination of events, reminders, and goals (the goals thing is only available on the mobile app I think) to help ease the brain burden, and it seems to work. Something about scheduling this stuff seems to at least push the process for that thing down in priority, or into the back ground, or turns the volume down on it, or something. What every way you want to describe it, it takes some of the burden off.
Now, I don't have everything in my brain scheduled. I probably should, but I don't. And part of the reason for that is, I think, that I am afraid to put the big things, quit the job, fix the life, etc, on the board. Because, once they are on the board I have to do them, which is too overwhelming and dangerous a task to think about, or I have to fail at doing them, which is the sound of my last hope having the life strangled out of it. Another subject, for another time, I think. But, what I do do is immediate things, or semi sort of immediate things, get, as immediately as I can think to do them, added to the calendar. Recitals, oil changes, doctors appointments, lunch fixing, vet visiting, thing cleaning, laundry washing, etc.
I think, and I am a moron so take this with a grain of salt, I think that the reason this works is because it takes away a bit of your choice. So, schedule it, it pops up time to do this, that sort of acts like an order, your brain... well, my brain, says okay do. Now, to not do the thing at this point either requires complete oversight due to a previous and overwhelming task, which happens to me a lot, or the conscious choice to not do it, which, I think, requires will power. Stick with me here a sec.
They say that it looks like willpower is a self replenishing finite resource, like a slow filling well. Pull a bucket or two of 10 a day, doable. Pull a hundred buckets a day and I hope you enjoy mud. So, as you have to use willpower, for whatever, it depletes. Given time (no clue what that number is) it replenishes, but use it and watch it go. I think, for me, all of these things I have flying around in my head, all of the auto todo's, are sapping my willpower as I am either having to exert willpower to do them or exert willpower to not do them. So, the things that I want to do, that are popping up at random and inopportune times, I am having to exert willpower to not do. And the things that I don't want to do, all the mundane household or work crap, I am both having to exert willpower to do, because I do not want to do them but they must be done now, or, in some cases, I am having to exert willpower to NOT do them because, god damn it, regardless of how insistent the urge is, I am not scrubbing the fucking toilet at god damn 12 midnight when I have to be up in 4 fucking hours.
So, scheduling this shit and having my phone tell me, now is the time to do the thing, saves me a shit ton of willpower. It took one single tiny use of will to get the stuff scheduled and that was it. It also save brain space in that I am now not having to try and keep the thing at the front of my memory so that I don't forget to do the thing. And, not having to worry as much about forgetting to do the thing is saving me some stress, which is damn good.
As a side note: my usual technique for getting things done is priority by emergency. Whatever thing it is that is about to explode in my face, whatever has been put off the longest and is just seconds from being due, that is the thing I do. This, I think, has given me heart disease.
So, I said all that.
It is day 2 of 30 Days To Happiness and today we are doing a SWOT analysis. SWOT = Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities, Threats. I guess it is a business thing that has been modified for use in humans, I'm sure it doesn't cause cancer at all.
So, I do this thing and come up with no big surprises. Answering the questions re friends was interesting, as I have none. So, I projected to acquaintances and old, long gone friends. The assets thing was also fun. Let's see.... I own... a coffee maker. And some pants. I have a wallet, and a phone. lol.
Not really that much to say about this one. I got some value out of the 50, this one, not so much, and I don't see any real benefit to me.
Meh. We'll see.
PS. You know, I am sitting here thinking about this thing, this blog, and I am thinking about how certain people are going to react when if they see it. You cant talk like that, you cant say that, you cant use those words, nobody is going to interested in this garbage, you cant say you arent happy with your job, what if people found out.... ad fucking nauseum. What if people found out what? That I am not perfect? That I have personal issues? That I have problems? Or opinions? What if people found out that I don't have all the fucking answers? What if people found out that I am actually a HUMAN FUCKING BEING? Look, this is me. Period. It does NO ONE any good for me to TRY and be someone else. None. Past history should clearly show you that. These are me. These are the things I think, these are the things I feel, these are the problems I am having, these are my experiences, this is my fucking life and I should not have to fucking hide it because it makes you or anyone else un fucking comfortable. Your mom not gonna like it, your dad not gonna approve, my boss, acquaintances, your friends, my so called friends, my family, your family, and any other group in the long list of them gonna be offended? That makes that a solid YOU problem.This is my journey, my story, my life. Deal or don't.
But.
This time I have a secret weapon. This time, I do not give a shit. Thios (that is a typo, but I left it in because I like that word. Thios. Sounds like a Greek hero or something) time, this "change me" thing I am not so fucking invested in. This time, it is almost like a hobby. A hobby I take seriously, mind you, sort of, but a hobby. I think that is why, this time, I am not trying to change all of the everythings, all at once. I am kind of focusing on one thing at a time. First up: Smoking.
But.
Well, the program I am following, it's going to change, or at least take a shot at a lot of things. Right? Well, to that point, the 30 Days of Happiness thing... to be clear, before I go into that, I don't give a shit about being happy, not one shit. What I want is to not be a useless, lazy fucking slob for the rest of my life. But... I have been using "but" a lot... but, having said all of that, I realize that my attitude, my not giving a shit about being happy, is probably part of my problem. Or, at least maybe some kind of symptom, or something. I just want to be a fucking whole human fucking being again.
I need to learn to meditate. See, that right there. When I say that, I do that. There is, I think I am learning, something about my brain that, when I think a thing needs to be done, the brain say "okie doke" and starts running an "accomplish this" program. I have about a million of those running right now and I am completely out of processor power and hard drive space. And the ram is full. My task manager looks like this:
Processes:
Clean the shower.
Replace the floodlights.
Brush the dog.
Vacuum the carpets.
Order parts.
Dont strangle your work mates.
Get the diabetes looked at.
Mow the yard.
Take your vitamins.
Clean the house.
Get the car looked at.
Get the fender fixed.
Get the work van looked at.
Get the oil changed.
Wake up early.
Run.
Work out.
Dont smoke.
Meditate.
Clean the kitchen.
Fix the bike.
Replace the wheel.
Get the other bike back.
Keep the phone charged.
Be nice.
Weed the flower bed.
Plant the flowers.
Water the lawn.
Get rich.
Get happy.
Quit the job.
Find a new job.
Tell the old one to fuck off.
<22792 more. Click to expand.>
And on and on and on and on. I know that fucking everybody has this. Probably. But for me, all of this shit is running at once. All the time. And every time I come up with some hair brained thing I want to do, like learn about ancient Sumer, or build a motor cycle, or start a tv network, the brain says okay, lets go, and that shit gets shoe horned in with all of the other shit that I am trying to/need/want/ what the fuck ever to get accomplished. And it happens auto fucking matically. I have, apparently, got zero control over any of it.I walk by the toilet and see that it needs to be cleaned? Now it is logged in. And, oh, by the way, can I immediately recall any of this shit? Nope. Gets lost in the flood of ideas as soon as it goes in. The only way I know it is in there is that tug in my gut gets just a bit more insistent, and my panic level raises just a hair.
There is one thing that seems to help this, if I schedule this shit. I actually discovered this about myself about a year or two ago, the auto accomplish thing, and I had stopped scheduling things because I have no idea why. I am currently using Google calendar and there are a few ways you can set reminders and shit. I use a combination of events, reminders, and goals (the goals thing is only available on the mobile app I think) to help ease the brain burden, and it seems to work. Something about scheduling this stuff seems to at least push the process for that thing down in priority, or into the back ground, or turns the volume down on it, or something. What every way you want to describe it, it takes some of the burden off.
Now, I don't have everything in my brain scheduled. I probably should, but I don't. And part of the reason for that is, I think, that I am afraid to put the big things, quit the job, fix the life, etc, on the board. Because, once they are on the board I have to do them, which is too overwhelming and dangerous a task to think about, or I have to fail at doing them, which is the sound of my last hope having the life strangled out of it. Another subject, for another time, I think. But, what I do do is immediate things, or semi sort of immediate things, get, as immediately as I can think to do them, added to the calendar. Recitals, oil changes, doctors appointments, lunch fixing, vet visiting, thing cleaning, laundry washing, etc.
I think, and I am a moron so take this with a grain of salt, I think that the reason this works is because it takes away a bit of your choice. So, schedule it, it pops up time to do this, that sort of acts like an order, your brain... well, my brain, says okay do. Now, to not do the thing at this point either requires complete oversight due to a previous and overwhelming task, which happens to me a lot, or the conscious choice to not do it, which, I think, requires will power. Stick with me here a sec.
They say that it looks like willpower is a self replenishing finite resource, like a slow filling well. Pull a bucket or two of 10 a day, doable. Pull a hundred buckets a day and I hope you enjoy mud. So, as you have to use willpower, for whatever, it depletes. Given time (no clue what that number is) it replenishes, but use it and watch it go. I think, for me, all of these things I have flying around in my head, all of the auto todo's, are sapping my willpower as I am either having to exert willpower to do them or exert willpower to not do them. So, the things that I want to do, that are popping up at random and inopportune times, I am having to exert willpower to not do. And the things that I don't want to do, all the mundane household or work crap, I am both having to exert willpower to do, because I do not want to do them but they must be done now, or, in some cases, I am having to exert willpower to NOT do them because, god damn it, regardless of how insistent the urge is, I am not scrubbing the fucking toilet at god damn 12 midnight when I have to be up in 4 fucking hours.
So, scheduling this shit and having my phone tell me, now is the time to do the thing, saves me a shit ton of willpower. It took one single tiny use of will to get the stuff scheduled and that was it. It also save brain space in that I am now not having to try and keep the thing at the front of my memory so that I don't forget to do the thing. And, not having to worry as much about forgetting to do the thing is saving me some stress, which is damn good.
As a side note: my usual technique for getting things done is priority by emergency. Whatever thing it is that is about to explode in my face, whatever has been put off the longest and is just seconds from being due, that is the thing I do. This, I think, has given me heart disease.
So, I said all that.
It is day 2 of 30 Days To Happiness and today we are doing a SWOT analysis. SWOT = Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities, Threats. I guess it is a business thing that has been modified for use in humans, I'm sure it doesn't cause cancer at all.
So, I do this thing and come up with no big surprises. Answering the questions re friends was interesting, as I have none. So, I projected to acquaintances and old, long gone friends. The assets thing was also fun. Let's see.... I own... a coffee maker. And some pants. I have a wallet, and a phone. lol.
Not really that much to say about this one. I got some value out of the 50, this one, not so much, and I don't see any real benefit to me.
Meh. We'll see.
PS. You know, I am sitting here thinking about this thing, this blog, and I am thinking about how certain people are going to react when if they see it. You cant talk like that, you cant say that, you cant use those words, nobody is going to interested in this garbage, you cant say you arent happy with your job, what if people found out.... ad fucking nauseum. What if people found out what? That I am not perfect? That I have personal issues? That I have problems? Or opinions? What if people found out that I don't have all the fucking answers? What if people found out that I am actually a HUMAN FUCKING BEING? Look, this is me. Period. It does NO ONE any good for me to TRY and be someone else. None. Past history should clearly show you that. These are me. These are the things I think, these are the things I feel, these are the problems I am having, these are my experiences, this is my fucking life and I should not have to fucking hide it because it makes you or anyone else un fucking comfortable. Your mom not gonna like it, your dad not gonna approve, my boss, acquaintances, your friends, my so called friends, my family, your family, and any other group in the long list of them gonna be offended? That makes that a solid YOU problem.This is my journey, my story, my life. Deal or don't.
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